{breaking point}
As graduation neared and the real world stared me coldly, right in the eye, I reached a breaking point. Life wasn’t supposed to be wrought with such pain and confusion. I serve a good God and surely He didn’t intend for me to spend life barely keeping my head above water.
And so I broke. My heart had been worn down, run into the ground and stomped on so many times by the evil satan inflicted on me, that I could no longer stand. The flood gates crumbled, tears streamed down my cheeks and I confessed my deep shame and heartache to my mom as she held my shaking body in her arms in disbelief. I felt vulnerable with every word I shared, fearing she’d think I was crazy. But as tears began rolling down her cheeks, mimicking my own, I knew there was no room in her heart for such thoughts. She loved me unconditionally and only wanted what was best for me.
{forgiving myself}
I knew my journey to healing was far from over. Confronting these strongholds was only the first step. I had spent so many years dealing with life in unhealthy ways that I needed help breaking those old habits. In the week following graduation, I was referred to Stronghold Counseling in Sioux Falls, SD. As I walked into the doors of the multilevel office building, my mind swelled with trepidation and anxiety. I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew I’d have to open up about my past once more.
After sitting in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity, a man walked in and called my name. I stood and walked toward the door as he held it open for me. After following him down a flight of stairs and through a short hallway, we reached his office. I sat down on the brown, leather couch and wrapped myself tightly in the blanket I brought for security. He sat down across from me in his chair and pulled out a notebook. After briefly scribbling down a few notes at the top of his page, he raised his eyes to meet mine and began by asking me about myself. I was shy and scared. At first, my answers were short, but he kept digging deeper, forcing me to break out of my shell.
Before I knew it, I had told him my story. I shared with him the pain and guilt I felt about the past. I told him I wanted to lead a “normal” life, but felt restricted by the things I had done. After pouring out my heart, he told me something that changed my life. He said my problem wasn’t God forgiving me or even people judging me. My problem was me judging me and me forgiving me. I was so crippled with the fear of inadequacy and inability to be used by God, I failed to realize God had already forgotten all my mistakes and the only one continually bringing them to the surface was me.
Micah 7:18-19 (NIV)
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
Learning this truth was freedom to my soul. Over the next few months, I met with a few different counselors, each offering godly wisdom and healing. For the first time since I was a child, I felt hope and joy. And for the first time ever, I realized the mighty power of the love of God. God never intended me to stay in that bondage. As long as I was in bondage, I couldn’t be used by Him. It was according to His will that I was set free. The bondage of shame and guilt that had ruled my life for so long weren’t some sort of tyrannical punishment from Heaven. They were strongholds satan had strategically placed in my life to rob me of the blessings of God. But his lies were finally exposed and, in the name of Jesus, I was free (John 8:36).
{falling in love with Jesus}
God didn’t stop there though. He knew I was still fearful of men, as they had been a prime trigger of my past pain. I longed to trust a man with my heart, to truly be safe and protected in his arms. But no man seemed adequate. No man was. And that was the lesson I was about to learn.
One winter afternoon after searching my Bible for a word from God, I came across a piece of paper tucked in the pages. It was a story of a woman named Angie who’s past was similar to mine, wrought with the same unfulfilling relationships. She longed for a husband, but her Mr. Right remained MIA. Then one day a friend invited her to a women’s conference called Tres Dias. And the focus of the conference was Hosea 2:14-23.
Hosea 2:14-20 (NIV adapted)
Therefore I am now going to allure [you]; I will lead [you] into the wilderness and speak tenderly to [you]. There I will give [you] back [your] vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor, a door of hope. There [you] will respond as in the days of [your] youth, as in the day [you] came up out of Egypt. “In that day,” declares the LORD, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.” I will remove the names of the Baals from [your] lips; no longer will their names be invoked. In that day I will make a covenant for [you] with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that [you] may lie down in safety. I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.
She had her answer. Her Prince had been there all along. She had just been looking in the wrong place. Throughout the conference, God romanced her and at the end of the 3 days, she committed to letting God satisfy the desires of her heart.
From that point on, she did and He didn’t disappoint her. In small ways, she was even romanced by her King. He made himself known to her time and time again, showing up in little ways and fulfilling her heart’s deepest desires.
As tears rolled down my cheeks, I knew I too had the answer to my heart’s deepest desires. I wanted what she had. I wanted Jesus. I wanted Him to satisfy my heart, to romance me, to love me. And when I finally asked Him, He did.
{freedom}
I cannot say enough how my life has changed since I fully surrendered my heart to the Lord. He wakes me up to beautiful sunrises and sends me to bed beneath a blanket of twinkling stars. He sends me flowers every spring and beautiful, picturesque scenery in the fall. He opens doors and directs my path. He guides my heart. He blesses me with wonderful friends and family. He speaks to me and comforts me. Every need I have, every desire of my heart, God meets.
A year and a half after reading Angie’s story, I met the man that would soon be my husband. At first, my heart was leery. I was so content with my life as it was and I feared someone upsetting that. But God showed me this man was a gift from Him and that his presence in my life would only bring me closer to the Lord. And it has. He inspires me and encourages me. He challenges me spiritually and keeps me accountable. He protects me and he loves me. He is truly the love of my life, but as wonderful as he may be, I echo Angie’s words as she writes,
Jesus still remains the greatest romance of my life. He took a woman who wasn’t seeking Him at all and transformed [her] in a way that’s best described in 1 Peter 1:8 (NIV), “Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.” And that’s what I call falling madly in love.
I couldn’t agree more.
© 2010 Storming Jericho {All Rights Reserved}
Storming Jericho 